The Christmas Pudding Lie Read online

  Outside gentle breezes play with the burnt umber leaves falling from the Japanese maple that shades the front porch of Anna’s new place. Across the dirt road a silent cop of Bishop Pines stand sentinel. There is a quiet serenity that lays about the place. In the agricultural plain below strawberries and boysenberries are in season. On a rolling hillside a red mare grazes on sage grass.

  Inside Anna greets the dawn of the first day of her new life. Lying in bed, enjoying the morning song of wild birds, she declares “everyday from now on will be Sunday. The ’To Do List’ is no longer operative.” However her new hope for a life of leisure dissolves as a spider sits down beside her. Anna has zero tolerance for creepy crawlers. Looking up she sees the mother of all webs hanging from the rafters. “Yikes, Spider-Man must have lived here before me.” Shivers runs up her spin. The unnerving thought, however, escapes her.

  Armed with feather duster, she goes from room to room waging war with spiders. A half-hour into the challenge, she steps outside to imbibe the rapture of a country day. Soft gauzy clouds soften the morning light and the scent of pine accents the air. However, quietude vanishes when the phone rings. She is ambivalent about answering the phone.

  “I should have left the phone off the hook!” Anna runs to the phone but can‘t remember where it is. The machine gets it instead.

  “Hey Anna, I know that you’re in there. I can hear you talking to yourself. Pick Up,” Anna’s sister, Ada, calls out.

  “’Hi, I was just waging war with Spider-Man,” Anna jests.

  “Oh no...! Really...! What’s going on? I got your e-mail. I wrote down your new address. I keep an address book just for you. You know it is almost filled. I thought that you were done with moving,” Ada continues without a breath.

  “How’s the new place? Are you settled in? Why the move? We are dying to know!” Finally Anna finds a brief pause and begins her prepared text.

  “I just wanted to live in the country and thought I better do it now. So here I am. And it is really beautiful and quiet. I can see horses outside my window. It is different. And for now different is what I want.”

  “Aside from Spider-Man, have you met any of the neighbors? Who lives next door, someone name Freddy who carries a chain saw everywhere?”

  Anna can’t help but laugh. She replies, “Ada, don’t get me going. I think of enough scary scenarios on my own.”

  “Like what?” Ada thinks that she hears a hint of trouble in her sister’s tone.

  Anna tries to articulate her suspicions; “I know that this is going to sound crazy.”

  Ada interrupts “So what’s new?”

  Anna takes in a breath, exhales and dares all, “Well for starters packing up dredged up muck from my past.”

  Ada wants to laugh but instead asks, “Muckity muck?”

  Anna laughs and answers quickly, “For sure!”

  Ada can’t quite make out if Anna is teasing or not. She decides to play along,

  “Like what exactly?”

  Anna tells her straight out, “Going through my things, I started to think that my life has been one big lie. I think that I’ve been had.”

  Ada is spooked now. She cuts her sister off, “Oh no! What are you smoking? Don’t tell me that you’re back with Mary Jane! What do you mean a ‘lie’? I wish that you would just say what’s troubling you. You are starting to freak me out. I hate it when you speak in code.”

  She doesn’t allow for a response. She is sure that her sister has slipped back into her conspiratorial mindset.

  “Is this a spy thing? I hope not. Really, sis, this obsession with secret agents and malcontents is over spent. You know what’s behind your spy watching, don’t you?

  Anna answers, “No, but I am sure you do.”

  Ada laughs, “It’s those witches from the old neighborhood.”

  Anna laughs, “You mean those poor old ladies in their black dresses, black stockings and black shoes who went to seven o’clock mass every day.”

  Ada cuts in, “The very ones indeed…you saw them at every funeral.”

  Anna adds, “And the Stations of the Cross, novena on Fridays and confession on Saturday… oh my god!”

  Ada asks, “What is it? You forgot to make your novena?”

  Anna hesitates as she takes stock of her image in the mirror in the front hall.

  “I think that I am one of them now but without the religion.”

  “What? You’re not wearing those long and thick black stockings pulled up around your knees?” Ada laughs at this image of Anna.

  Anna replies, “No but I am dressed head toe in black. I hate being old.”

  Ada adds, “Oh no tell me you’re not the new Crazy Katie!”

  Anna replies without hesitation, “Please I had nightmares about her. She walked up and down the street in her bath robe and bedroom slippers cursing everyone in her path. She would mutter under her breath, ‘oh fa!”

  Ada begins to laugh, “And we kids tormented her. Heaven forgive us? Who knew about Turrets back then?”

  Anna adds, “And who knew that ‘oh fa’ meant get screwed! We went about saying it all the time. Thank goodness that the old people just laughed at us.”

  The two sisters pause all of a half second for their penance. Ada proceeds.

  “But the funniest thing was that she wore her right slipper on her left foot and so on, remember?”

  Anna reels. She remarks with a hint of caution in her tone, “As if it were just yesterday.” Anna checks her slippers. All is kosher.

  Anna doesn’t much like the direction of the conversation. She asks, “But how did we get back to the old neighborhood? What were we talking about?”

  Ada knows where she is going with this trip down memory lane.

  “We were talking about your obsession with spies.”

  Anna replies, “Oh yeah and you think there is a connection here?”

  Ada answers, “Yes! Remember how they were always telling us stories about the Evil Eye. Remember how they taught us to give the horns to strangers.”

  Anna remembers, “For sure!”

  Ada goes on, “So you see you were preconditioned for an obsession with alternate spirits. But not to worry, you remember their secret fix for the evil eyes?”

  Ada doesn’t wait for Anna’s slow brain to turn. She tries not to laugh.

  “A rope of garlic… I’m going over to the north ward today and get a rope for you.”

  The two sisters take a moment to laugh together.

  Ada continues, “But seriously now, you know it’s just the shadows of your mind. Really our overactive imaginations are a gift and a curse. You’re feeling strange because it’s a new place. You feel lost? Living in another person’s home is as bad as wearing someone else’s shoes. Their bunions haunt you. And it must be a bitch to move at our age.”

  Anna knows that her sister is right. She wants to dismiss her obsession with conspiracy but can’t. “But what if…?”

  Ada interrupts, “When was the last time you checked in with your shrink?”

  Anna answers with an edge in her voice, “What are you saying that I need to get my head checked?”

  Ada knows that she has touched a sore spot. So backtracks with humor,

  “No not at all, maybe a brain transplant…no wait, I’ve got it. What if you write to Miss Marple, she can help you track down those some ones who are interfering in your life? And while you at it, e-mail Jessica Fletcher, she’s on line now, you know.”

  Anna goes along with the ribbing. “I’ll get right on it.”

  But Ada has one last word, “‘I know for sure that Howard the Duck is coming for Christmas dinner. I’ll save a place for you. You must come. I miss you!”

  “I hate quakes, Sis, but thanks for the Christmas invite. I’ll think about it.” Anna bids adieu.

  The sound of their laughter dissipates too quickly in the empty space in Anna’s heart. She sighs heavily for the only thing that the two sisters share is a distant past. Anna left home wh
en Ada was but a young teenager. They’ve travelled separate roads ever since. They never got to know the woman each became. Anna feels like a stranded solitary polar bear adrift on an ever shrinking but always drifting bit of Ice Age glacier.

  Feeling lonesome, she dares to go on line. All she finds is spam and more spam. But there is a note from her brother, Gianni who goes by his the nickname JB.

  Upon opening it she sees it is a flame. He writes, “HEY FARMER IN THE DELL WHAT’S UP? I CAN’T GET THROUGH. PLEASE CALL!!!!!”

  Anna mutters, “uh oh.” She obliges her young brother and makes the call.

  He answers, “JB.”

  She answers, “What’s new, JB?”

  “Hey, I’ve been trying to call you for a week now. I was getting ready to call out the National Guard. But then I remembered that the last fool in the White House sent them all to Iraq. What gives? The phone just rings and rings! Do I have the right number?”

  JB sounds quite concerned.

  Anna goes on autopilot with little white lies. “Oh sorry, I was going to call you. I’m taking a sabbatical. I just had to disconnect the phone. The new number is causing a feeding frenzy with the telemarketers. They are like vultures with a new kill. Nothing can put them off. They now have these long prerecorded messages promising you paradise for nothing. I couldn’t get anything done.”

  “Yeah, yeah, yeah…you’ve been on a sabbatical your whole life. So what really gives?”

  She thinks, ‘what the hell, he’s asking, I’m telling.’

  She proceeds, “You see, JB, my mind can’t stay in the present. Memories of some strange past keep creeping up.”

  Before she can finish her thought, JB cuts in,

  “Flashbacks…? No! That’s serious.”

  He adds a poignant pause for dramatic effect. Then he goes on, “You can’t ignore them!”

  Anna can’t tell if he is joking or not. She asks, “Why?”

  JB says in all seriousness, “It’s the Grim Reaper’s Greatest Hits!”

  Both have to laugh at their silliness.

  JB goes on, “But not to worry. I have the answer.”

  Still laughing she humors him and asks, “Oh yeah, what is it? Can I afford it? Does it hurt? No needles, you know how I hate needles. And no blood-letting, I can’t stand the sight of blood.”

  JB answers, “None of that. The sure cure for flashbacks is Flash Gordon.”

  The two laugh so hard that they become a bit hysterical. It’s really the wonderful sound of hearing each other’s voice again. Anna tries to regain composure. But JB is not having it. “I know the real reason that you are hiding out.”

  Anna can’t help but play along, “What’s that?”

  “You are hiding out from those secret agents,” JB stifles a full out laugh.

  “Oh I get it. You’ve been talking to sis, right?”

  JB continues, “So how’s the new Central Command? Sis tells me that Miss Marple and Jessica live close by.”

  She has no real come back. “Very funny…! You would think that for someone who is going to turn sixty in a week that you would get better jokes.”

  JB decides to ease up on the ribbing. “Sis is really worried, you know. She thinks that you are feeling a bit noid in the new place.”

  Anna replies, “Well the new place is just grand.”

  JB returns, “I’m glad for that. But Ada is sure that you are reverting back to your spy fantasies from your university days.”

  Anna tries to dismiss any and all talk of spies, “Well who knows? These days everyone is watching and listening.”

  JB presses on “Maybe, but I think that you should start writing again? How about a mystery? You seem to have a flair for it. ”

  Anna humors him, “But what if I inadvertently reveal important secrets?”

  In a second, JB returns “Whoa! Hold up there! What secrets? Hey sis, seriously, you better catch those Men in Black before the Men in White come for you.”

  The siblings start up laughing again. Anna is ready to say ‘adios’ but JB has one last laugh. In a very concerned tone, he offers, “When I couldn’t get a hold of you, I started to wonder if there might be some truth to your suspicions. So I went to the source to get some real help.”

  He asks, “Got pen and paper? Take down these names.”

  Anna humors JB. “Yeah ready, shoot.”

  “Rule #1: when it comes to spy busting, let the pros do it. I know that Ada is stuck on Miss Marple but I’ve got the real pros. Here are the names of the best spy busters in the world: ‘Passion 4 Detective Agency’; ‘Big Brother UK’; ‘No Hiding Place Ltd.’; ‘Instant Detective.com’; ‘E-investigates.’ Am I going to fast for you?” JB cracks himself up.

  Anna can’t help but laugh. “Is that all?” she asks.

  “No way, keep writing. ‘Soul Search.com.’ Put an asterisk next to this one ‘Seek Me Up Inc.’ One or all of them should put you on the right track in your undercover work,” JB chuckles.

  “Are these legit?” she asks while enjoying the laughter of JB.

  He continues on with his little joke, “Absolut! 100%! Really you should write a book. This way you can purge all that spy nonsense that plagues you.”

  Anna knows that this laugh with JB is at an end. It is time to sign off.

  “Well that’s it. I’ve made up my mind. How about the Fun House Mystery, bound to spook you? ”

  “I want an acknowledgement and 10%. In all seriousness, I could get my friend James to help,” JB can’t let go of a good tease.

  Anna smirks, “Oh as in Bond you mean, still droll! But I’ll keep you informed.”

  JB readies to hang up, “I don’t see you in your rocking chair just yet. Go and write. Just start okay? The many weird and wonderful people and places you’ve seen must make for a good story. And call your aunts. You have the whole family worried.”

  Anna signs off with, “Okay, okay I’m on it. And I will call the aunts. And tell Ada that I’m still waiting on Batman. Ciao.”

  Utterly alone again, surrounded by the stillness of quiet, she feels the sharp pang of separation. It’s always the same after talking with JB and Ada. Outside the hills don their purple pajamas as night shadows descend once again. The long shadows of the setting sun fade to black. Where once there were fields with grazing cows, goats, sheep and horses now there is emptiness. Lights go on in the simple farmhouses, in the barracks of the field workers and on the posh estates. Songbirds slip into sleep. The first cricket of the night steps onto the stage with a nocturnal sonata. The winds of the day quiet down too. Anna heaves a long sigh.

  “Could sis be right, do I need to check in with the shrink? Hell no. I tried therapy for years. And I’m sure that the damn shrink was but a ‘spyville’ minion.”

  In time, Anna finds that country life’s rhythm and rhyme sooth her haggard soul. The highlight of the day is going to the PO to check the mail and the latest listings on the bulletin board. Today there is a posting for exotic pigeons but only to a good home. The post office is the hub of the hamlet. She picks up the usual assortment of junk mail and bills. The junk mail gets tossed there. A foreign stamp on hotel stationary catches her eye.

  Back at the ponderosa, Anna examines the blue envelope carefully looking for clues as to its authenticity. Postmark is London, England. She opens the letter. Inside is a coupon for a free copy of ‘Espionage for Dummies.’ A London phone number and a note are inscribed at the bottom in aquamarine ink reads,

  “Anna, how’s the mystery? I ran into your old publisher, Mr. Dodd. Call him! Urgent! Ciao. JB.”

  Anna is stymied. She debates, “Is he for real? Is this a bit of Irish bull? And why in the world would Doddie want me to call? I thought he got out of publishing years ago.

  This is just what my obsessive mind needs, a JB and Doddie conspiracy. Well I’m not going there. I’m not going to spend my days and nights speculating, conspiring and stewing about what JB’s got me into. I’m just going to ‘forget about it.’
/>   Orrrr, I could just make the call and be done with this mystery. I am sure that Doddie was just making small talk. But JB marked it URGENT.

  I’m going to kill him when we met up again. But as we’ve crossed paths only twice in thirty years, I guess he’s safe. ”

  Chapter Three

  While waiting for the kettle to boil, Anna tries to clear away the pile of mail strewn about her beautiful mauve soap stone counter. As she sorts through the junk mail, she finds the Espionage for Dummies coupon. “Why didn’t I throw this out?”

  “Maybe it is a sign?” Ignoring all prior declarations to ‘forget about it’ she follows up on JB’s whim. She dials the number on the coupon. Within seconds, Dodd’s London office answers. Anna sputters,

  “Hello, my name is Gianna Boccherini, is Mr. Dodd in?”

  “I’m sorry madam; may I have the name again?”

  Anna laughs, “Just tell him Doc B.”

  While on hold, Anna tries to get back into university form. But she feels ever so nauseous. Her sanity returns. ‘Hang up now! Are you crazy? JB’s putting you on!’

  But the sheer energy of Dodd the man floods her consciousness. At first his exuberance and grand Italian bravado intimidated her. But to his credit, his charm worked every time. He made her and everyone feel as rare and dear as a special reserve scotch whiskey. And he was an extremely careful publisher. Getting a book from draft to hard copy was actually a real delight. She will be forever in his debt for his light and energy.

  Suddenly her mind goes blank. What will she say? She is about to hang up. But not quick enough for Dodd is on the line.

  “Cara mia, come sta? What took you so long?”

  Anna laughs freely, “Bene grazie! Como va?”

  He answers, “Va bene, molte grazie! Doc it’s been too long. Running into JB like that, well, I must say, it was a bit of good luck. Do tell me that you’re in town! Last time we talked was in my Fleet Street office. You were off to yet another foreign post. I gather from your brother that you returned safely only to become a recluse. Is that true? I can’t wait to tell you my idea for our spy novel.”